Down, But Not Out

Susan was a financially successful lawyer, practising litigation in her home town. A fierce competitor who understood the value of mediation and timely settlement, she had developed a sterling reputation among her peers and was well respected by the judiciary. However, under this professional mask, Susan harboured a deep fear - that she was not really a very good lawyer and that someday she would not be able to carry on the charade. People would find out that she really was incompetent and had been fooling them. With this dread fixed in her mind, she worked tirelessly to avoid detection. Her actions had become more obsessive over the last few months when her friend, Jan, approached her about her concerns. Jan was her closest friend, but even Jan had not been able to pierce through Susan's so carefully crafted wall of isolation. Even though they had been to law school together and now practised in the same city, Jan realized that she did not know very much about Susan. She did not know her parents. She knew that Susan was single. Susan did not have any social life as she spent all her time in the office. Jan knew that Susan had been asked to go to law association parties by some of the local male lawyers but she always declined, graciously but firmly.

Lately Jan had seen a few things that caused her to have grave concerns. Susan had become very sloppy in her work, missing obvious cases from factums and even omitting important documents from motion records. Her attitude in court was now imperious and her sense of fairness had left her. She had told Jan that she was going on an expensive trip to Asia for a month which was shocking, knowing Susan's need to know what was going on all the time. Jan also knew that, although Susan had done well financially, she had had two negligence claims filed against her within the last six months. She had even given Jan a very expensive painting she had had commissioned for her private office - one Jan knew she treasured. It was Susan's favourite. Jan had also seen a very uncharacteristic side to Susan - she had started drinking heavily and always smelled of alcohol, even in the morning.

When Susan came to Jan's office one evening to give her will instructions, Jan looked at her haggard, sad-looking and desperate friend. She told Susan that she looked beat but Susan quickly replied "I'm fine; everything is under control!" When she asked about the claims, Susan tersely jumped "Nothing matters any more. Everyone would be better off if I weren't here".

Jan decided to take a chance. She had recently been to a workshop given by the Ontario Lawyers Assistance Program on "Creating Balance in Your Professional Life" and had learned a bit about the risk of suicide. She was afraid for Susan. She asked her point blank: "Are you ill, Susan? What I see and hear is frightening." Susan shot back with the reply: "Well, at least someone seems to care. Gerry, that jerk, told me to "just cheer up and snap out of it!" With that, she broke into tears. Jan listened while Susan poured out her fears and pain. She admitted that she was planning on taking her life on this trip and make it seem like an accident so that her parents would not be so upset. She had gone beyond her breaking point and had no resources, physically or mentally, to go on. Jan watched as Susan, the capable and confident lawyer, disintegrated into a pain-filled, hopeless and needy person.

Jan asked Susan if she would accept help. Jan had met an OLAP volunteer from her friend Philip's office who had been through a similar situation. Susan agreed, with resignation, only after Jan assured Susan that she would help with Susan's practice. Jan called Philip, who set up a meeting that night. Susan contracted with Jan, in writing, that she would not commit suicide and that she would keep in close touch with Jan.

A few days later, Susan was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in a nearby city. Jan visited her often, taking Susan to art galleries and to movies, both of which Susan really enjoyed. At times, Susan would be angry and would vent her feelings at her "friend". Jan accepted these tirades with unconditional acceptance. She knew that Susan needed a safe person to share with, even if the words themselves were somewhat hurtful. Jan remembered that the years of pain in Susan's life were now being faced, defences taken down and that Susan was touching feelings that had been dormant and well hidden for years.

In a few months, Susan came home and started practising on a part-time basis. After six months, she was back full time. Susan and Jan formed a partnership that has worked very well. Susan continues in her recovery programs and is taking care of herself, physically and emotionally. Instead of retreating inside herself as she used to, she touches base with her OLAP peer support and with Jan.

And every day, when she comes into her office, she smiles when she looks at her favourite painting hanging again on the wall across from her desk.

I want help now
OLAP (Ontario Lawyers Assistance Program) provides one-on-one ongoing volunteer peer support and professional counselling to lawyers, judges and law students who suffer from alcohol, drug or other addictions, eating disorders, stress, burnout or mental illness. They will assist with referrals for support, assessments and counselling. If you, your partner or your spouse needs help, please call. All calls are strictly confidential. To contact the Volunteer Executive Director, call John Starzynski 1-877-584-6227. Leota Embleton, Program Manager, can be reached at 416-241-7983 or 1-877-576-6227. The OLAP 24-hour Helpline is 1-800-667-5722. For more information on OLAP and other programs that offer assistance click here.